It’s Time

I just don't feel like myself.

I just don’t feel like myself.

I think it’s finally time to admit that the passed two years have taken a toll on my psyche. I’ve told myself that I’m not depressed. Depression is what happens to other people. What do I have to be depressed about? I have a beautiful toddler. I have a great relationship with my older kids AND their wives. I have my first grandchild by blood and another on the way.  I have three beautiful step grandkids.

I no longer freak out a bit inside when I say… my grandkids.

I get to see all of this amazing family on a semi-regular basis and cook for them! (I’m a feeder.)

I have a beautiful house, albeit one that is half way to being restored and the half that is not is driving me quite mad. But it’s the kind of house that people see in magazines – NOT because it’s worth a ton, but because it has a fasinating history.  We looked at it, and it’s sister houses for ages before buying this one. And now we wake up in our dream house every morning.

I have been traveling and have THREE fun trips on the horizon, one to Disneyland (ok, when DON’T I have a drip to Disney on the horizon?) One to BlogHer in NYC, and one to Florida for a wedding in September, which is near Walt Disney World and I have been promised a day there. Maybe two.

OK. Probably just one but a girl can dream.

My husband has started his own company and it seems to be doing well. After two years of unemployment, this alone should make me super, duper over the moon. Although I do miss him.

My business has been doing well. Maybe even a bit too well. I don’t always have time to see the clients that contact me and even raised my rate a bit, yet, they keep coming. I no longer see any that I don’t enjoy. For a sex worker – this is the pinnacle of success.

For an old sex worker too fat to fit into her corsets and leathers, this is a fucking miracle.

But still… I don’t feel right. I feel weepy one minute. Angry the next. I snap for no reason. Everyone annoys me, possibly because they are all freakin’ idiots. Then I’m sad again. I haven’t been able to write on my blog. I’ve lost my interest in social media. I would rather sleep then have sex or watch TV. Last night my husband made a joke about giving the dog a hand job to relieve his anxiety over the neighbors dog being in heat and I barely chuckled. 

That folks, is a proof positive that something is wrong.

Yesterday after seeing my Dr for a sore neck, as he’s leaving the room I tossed in… “oh yes, and my husband would like me to talk to you about my depression.” This was punctuated by Monkey flying off the medical exam table onto my back and trying to scramble onto my head while making wild monkey sounds.

I’m not sure which surprised me more. The words that came out of my mouth, or the 30 pound toddler suddenly landing on my shoulders and using my eye sockets as finger holds.

The Dr didn’t have time to talk yesterday, but I’m going in this afternoon to discuss. Wish me luck.

Have you ever taken antidepressants? When did you decide you needed them? Did they help? What side effects did you have?

Author: Mona Darling
The Dominatrix Mommy Blogger

53 Comments

  1. mariadiaz
    mariadiazReply
    July 6, 2012 at 10:23 am

    I’m so sorry you’re not feeling well. I think you’ve had a very stressful time this year. I have life-long issues with this kind of thing and it can really strike out of nowhere even when everything else in life is “fine.” I have taken a few different meds and like Wellbutrin the best. It isn’t associated with weight gain or sexual side effects and has more of a speedy side effect since it works on dopamine. My only advice is to give it time. Meds take several weeks to truly start working. 

    • DeadCowGirl
      July 10, 2012 at 9:11 am

       @mariadiaz Thanks Girlie.  I’m now on Wellbutrin and hoping it kicks in soon. We should catch up soon! Let me know if you will be at BlogHer!

  2. RNPhotoGirl
    RNPhotoGirlReply
    July 6, 2012 at 10:26 am

    @DeadCowGirl ((hugs)) So sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I’m kinda in the same spot. God damn IF.

    • EndoJourney
      EndoJourneyReply
      July 6, 2012 at 10:27 am

      @rnphotogirl @DeadCowGirl big hugs to both of you!

      • gritandpatience
        gritandpatienceReply
        July 6, 2012 at 10:34 am

        @EndoJourney @rnphotogirl @DeadCowGirl I want in on the group hug. And fuck IF!

        • DeadCowGirl
          DeadCowGirlReply
          July 6, 2012 at 10:36 am

          @gritandpatience @EndoJourney @rnphotogirl GROUP HUG!! I’ll bring the strap-on and the strap for IF.

        • RNPhotoGirl
          RNPhotoGirlReply
          July 6, 2012 at 10:38 am

          @DeadCowGirl @gritandpatience @EndoJourney (((HUGS))) Also, can’t stop laughing at the mental picture. Thank you!

        • EndoJourney
          EndoJourneyReply
          July 6, 2012 at 10:42 am

          @rnphotogirl @DeadCowGirl @gritandpatience ((GROUP HUG)) lolll! :) :)

    • DeadCowGirl
      DeadCowGirlReply
      July 6, 2012 at 10:31 am

      @RNPhotoGirl So sorry you are still in the trenches. I thought I would feel better once I moved on. Apparently not. {{hugs}}

      • RNPhotoGirl
        RNPhotoGirlReply
        July 6, 2012 at 10:34 am

        @DeadCowGirl I keep telling myself there is nothing wrong with needing medical help to get through this shit storm. Now to make an appt.

        • StolenEggs
          StolenEggsReply
          July 6, 2012 at 10:36 am

          @RNPhotoGirl @DeadCowGirl I say do it. Before it gets out of control like mine did.

        • DeadCowGirl
          DeadCowGirlReply
          July 6, 2012 at 10:39 am

          @RNPhotoGirl I put off the appt for the last two years since the first mc. And I still didn’t actually make the appt for the depression.

        • RNPhotoGirl
          RNPhotoGirlReply
          July 6, 2012 at 10:40 am

          @DeadCowGirl I’ve been trying to book one for my rash and it keeps getting cancelled. Need to get serious about this shit I guess.

        • RNPhotoGirl
          RNPhotoGirlReply
          July 6, 2012 at 10:41 am

          @DeadCowGirl Can totally feel myself spiralling and I really don’t want to be back in that place. Been there, done that. Hate this SO much.

        • DeadCowGirl
          DeadCowGirlReply
          July 6, 2012 at 10:41 am

          @RNPhotoGirl I did it. You can to. Just make the call. One foot in front of the (fucking) other. I’ll be there with you.

        • RNPhotoGirl
          RNPhotoGirlReply
          July 6, 2012 at 10:43 am

          @DeadCowGirl Thank you. Means the world. One day at a time I suppose. Always here if you need a friend.

        • StolenEggs
          StolenEggsReply
          July 6, 2012 at 11:27 am

          @RNPhotoGirl @DeadCowGirl nip it in the bud. Don’t wait until you can’t get out of bed.

  3. braving_ivf
    braving_ivfReply
    July 6, 2012 at 10:31 am

    @DeadCowGirl *hugs*

    • DeadCowGirl
      DeadCowGirlReply
      July 6, 2012 at 10:33 am

      @braving_ivf @EndoJourney Hugs back at ya both. Ya pregnant bitches! (Seriously. VERY happy for you both!)

  4. StolenEggs
    StolenEggsReply
    July 6, 2012 at 10:33 am

    @DeadCowGirl I know this feeling all too well. Hugs. And, yes, it’s because people are idiots.

  5. StolenEggs
    StolenEggsReply
    July 6, 2012 at 10:35 am

    @DeadCowGirl I’ve been on the crazy pills before. DM me if you want details.

    • DeadCowGirl
      DeadCowGirlReply
      July 6, 2012 at 10:37 am

      @StolenEggs DM’d

  6. RachHasHope
    July 6, 2012 at 10:41 am

     @DeadCowGirl I’m so sorry you are having such a hard time. I take antidepressants. I’m on Celexa and Wellbutrin. I’ve been on Celexa for years (I have OCD and it managed it well for years). I was recently put on Wellbutrin because of infertility-related depression and anxiety. I decided I needed some more help after spending three days in bed either crying or staring at the wall after my fifth failed round of Clomid, Adding the Wellbutrin has helped a lot, and it has very few side effects. Celexa, on the other hand, can cause problems with orgasms. That is the only negative side effect I’ve had from Celexa – but it’s a pretty dang bad one! 

    • DeadCowGirl
      July 10, 2012 at 9:05 am

      Thanks for sharing your experience. I’ve not had any issues yet with orgasm, and I do keep checking! Have you been able to get passed that with the Celexa?

      • RachHasHope
        RachHasHopeReply
        July 11, 2012 at 9:30 pm

        @DeadCowGirl I can have one, it just takes a really long time. Sometimes an hour or more. It has improved a bit since I lowered the dose.

  7. hanwayink
    hanwayinkReply
    July 6, 2012 at 10:53 am

    i’m so sorry you’re not feeling like yourself, but I’m glad you’ll be talking to your doctor soon to try and get some help. I started taking Effexor mm, 4? 5? years ago – partially IF related, partially just general anxiety, and it’s made such a difference. I hope you have the same experience & can find something that works for you. Take care..

    • DeadCowGirl
      July 10, 2012 at 9:03 am

       @hanwayink Thanks. I am waiting and hoping.  As I said in other comments, I think I feel better just knowing I should feel better soon.

  8. Patience
    July 6, 2012 at 10:56 am

    I went on antidepressants (Zo.loft specifically) after my 3rd IVF failed.  With that BFN I was in a lot of pain – emotional and physical.  I remember desperately trying to massage my scalp to try to get my head muscles to relax – and they just wouldn’t.  I guess I’d seen the ads saying that physical pain was a part of depression, but I’d never taken it literally before.  Anyway, I was a mess – there was just too much loss and pain for me to cope with on my own.  The pills helped me hugely.  I think time and emotional work is part of the healing, but sometimes you just need the drugs to help you get to a place where healing is even possible.  Otherwise, just a jar not opening, a glass spilling on the floor, or temporary bad cell reception make your head want to explode and you have no energy for anything else.
     
    The Zol.oft worked great for me, personally.  I had been really reluctant to use drugs during tough times before, mostly because my mom was behind the times and was one of those drugged-out housewives after that trend had passed.  I was worried about feeling groggy, not “myself”, or being out of it.  I didn’t really feel any different.  This is how I’d describe its effect on me:  situations would still come up around IF that were painful or upsetting, but instead of there being an immediate physical “pang” in my chest , there was a little delay.  I could acknowledge in my head that it was a painful situation or comment, and I had a little time to figure out how I wanted to respond or take care of myself.  It worked kind of like a buffer or extra skin for me.
     
    The only side effect – and this might be a problem with your work (or not) was that my sex drive was affected.  It made me uncomfortable to notice that change, but at that point it was kind of a no-brainer sacrifice.  When I went off it, I tapered down really gradually.  I think going off it might have made it tougher to sleep for a bit, but that’s about all.  
     
    I’m so sorry you’re struggling – and I know how it is to feel confused or guilty about being down when you still have so much to be thankful for.  I hope things get better soon!

    • DeadCowGirl
      July 10, 2012 at 9:02 am

      Thanks for sharing your experience. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling. Like the tiniest thing just sinks me. And I keep waiting for time to help that out, but there are just too many anniversaries with IF and MC that keep reminding you. 

  9. MonikaZimmerman
    MonikaZimmermanReply
    July 6, 2012 at 11:14 am

    @DeadCowGirl I’m proud & glad that you’ve decided you need some extra help and that you’re taking the steps to get it.

  10. Ms_Infertile
    Ms_InfertileReply
    July 6, 2012 at 11:31 am

    @DeadCowGirl I believe this is a huge step, if you feel off, you feel off & I’m happy you’re addressing it. Thinking abt doing talk therapy?

  11. Ms_Infertile
    Ms_InfertileReply
    July 6, 2012 at 11:33 am

    @DeadCowGirl if you take something but don’t talk about it, it can only help so much.
    I took le.xapro a while ago & still talk to my shrink.

    • Pregnant__Pause
      Pregnant__PauseReply
      July 6, 2012 at 11:41 am

      @Ms_Infertile @DeadCowGirl I agree. My therapist told me meds affect approx 20-40% (behavior), the rest is talk therapy. Highly recommend.

      • DeadCowGirl
        DeadCowGirlReply
        July 6, 2012 at 1:00 pm

        @Pregnant__Pause @ms_infertile are you two insinuating that twitter isn’t therapy?! Blasphemy! (I’m sure he will refer me to a shrink too.)

        • Ms_Infertile
          Ms_InfertileReply
          July 6, 2012 at 1:19 pm

          @pregnant__pause @DeadCowGirl well, we’re a bit of enablers, you know? With all the wine & cookies & fried things and whatnot.

        • StolenEggs
          StolenEggsReply
          July 6, 2012 at 1:22 pm

          @DeadCowGirl @Pregnant__Pause @Ms_Infertile Twitter, alcohol, happy pills. What else could you possibly need?

        • Pregnant__Pause
          Pregnant__PauseReply
          July 6, 2012 at 1:32 pm

          @Ms_Infertile @DeadCowGirl Yeah. I mean, I’m as good as a therapist, but all these other crackpots? Ha!! Kidding everyone!!! ;)

        • Pregnant__Pause
          Pregnant__PauseReply
          July 6, 2012 at 1:34 pm

          @StolenEggs @DeadCowGirl @Ms_Infertile Don’t forget ice cream!

        • StolenEggs
          StolenEggsReply
          July 6, 2012 at 1:41 pm

          @Pregnant__Pause @DeadCowGirl @Ms_Infertile and chocolate

      • StolenEggs
        StolenEggsReply
        July 6, 2012 at 1:19 pm

        @Pregnant__Pause @Ms_Infertile @DeadCowGirl I did both as well. Should probably get back to that…

  12. chemgirljaime
    chemgirljaimeReply
    July 6, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    GOOD LUCK!

  13. rambleginger
    ramblegingerReply
    July 6, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    You know, it takes a lot to get those words out. But honestly, it will give you SO much of your life back, you’ll look back and be amazed at how much of a difference there is.
     
    I take Wellbuturin along with therapy (which, honestly, has been REALLY important for me), and it’s really made a difference. I like that it doesn’t affect sex drive, and that there aren’t many side effects. It IS, however, a stimulant, so some people have problems with sleeping. The first couple of days I took it I was a jittery mess, but that calmed down after a while. Also, some people lose weight on it (which I didn’t DARN IT). But seriously, I noticed a difference within days, and I am soooo glad I did.
     
    I will say that some lifestyle changes help too: exercise, sunlight, reduce caffeine. But the drugs, they were a HUGE part.
     
    Good luck, and just remember that it’s not always a straight line to feeling better, but taking those steps will get you on the right path. (OMG that sounds so corny, but it’s true).

    • DeadCowGirl
      July 10, 2012 at 8:59 am

       @rambleginger Corny, but yes, true. I’m working on fitting therapy in. That one will take a bit to find someone who is a good fit. I have also started the exercise etc, so… hopefully. Soon. Will I see you at BlogHer this year?

  14. manapan
    manapanReply
    July 6, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    Realizing it is the first step. And honestly, I think it’s the biggest step. Good for you for stepping up, and good luck! I recommend that when you first begin taking antidepressants, that you also see a therapist. It’s more common in younger people, but starting antidepressant therapy can actually make you experience suicidal urges. I did. It was like, “Hey, now I feel less numb — so now I realize just how crappy I’ve been feeling all along. Fuck this shit. I’m outta here.”
     
    I knew I needed antidepressants after my second suicide attempt (yeah, I’m not exactly the brightest crayon in the box for it to take twice). But what actually got me to take them (years later) was the promise that they’d help relieve my OCD as well. I took a massive daily dose of Prozac for almost four years. It helped so much that people who know me could tell if I hadn’t been taking it. It also ended up alleviating a lot of my PTSD symptoms. I loved that drug. I had to stop taking it for pregnancy and breastfeeding. I started taking it again after I accepted the lactation failure. But because I always found it highly sedating, I’m off it again. I can’t keep up with a kid who wakes up four times a night and barely naps when I’m on it.

    • DeadCowGirl
      July 10, 2012 at 8:57 am

       @manapan You poor thing. :-( It’s so hard to chase babies with a sad brain. My Dr said Prozac can give a little extra energy. Not true in your case? I’ve been really sleepy in the AM, but I think that’s because I’ve been taking muscle relaxants for my wacky neck too.

  15. tzzw
    July 7, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    I haven’t read all the comments on this, so I’m sure I’m just stating the obvious, but anyway: Good for your for admitting it.  I’m sorry you’re going through this.  Let me know if you want to chat.  You’ve got my support.  

    • DeadCowGirl
      July 10, 2012 at 8:54 am

       @tzzw Thanks! :-) We must catch up again soon!

  16. Roccie
    July 8, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Lexapro works well but no orgasm, try as you might.
     
    Recently switched to Viibryd.  Lovely orgasm.
     
    How can I help?  Always here my friend.

    • DeadCowGirl
      July 10, 2012 at 8:54 am

      Thanks Lady. I got the Wellbutrin and haven’t had any problem with orgasms.. but it’s only been a couple days. I will keep checking though. 

  17. Nurslouisa
    NurslouisaReply
    July 8, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    Good for you having or almost having that conversation with your MD, so many people don’t. I’m a psychiatric nurse practioner. The 3 top ones I prescribe for depression are: celexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. They seem the least likely to make you fat or kill your sex drive. Make sure you ask for an increase in your dose if you aren’t feeling better after 3 months. Primary care docs are great at starting meds but don’t always titrate them as they should. Good luck, email me with any questions.

    • DeadCowGirl
      July 10, 2012 at 8:52 am

      Thanks for your comments. :-) I did see him and he prescribed me Wellbutrin. Also suggested prozac. He seems very in tune with the way these things work and gave me several options and scheduled to see me again in a month. I feel better just knowing I should soon feel better.

  18. MFA Mama
    July 14, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    I have tried many fine antidepressants, and Pristiq and I are BFFs 4EVAR. That said, Wellbutrin was my second-favorite, I think. Largely because UNLIKE the others it didn’t flatten my sex-drive (and make it, uh, impossible to *find my own private Idaho* at all, which I consider an unacceptable blow to my quality of life) or make me fat. I had to quit it, though, because if you’re at all prone to anxiety it MAY tend to ramp that up some (also if you’re prone to being the belligerent sort I hear it can exacerbate that as well, but I am a shrinking violet). In my case at the time I was practically crippled with anxiety and so it was a no-go after a few weeks of increasing troubles in that regard. The only other warning I can think of with Wellbutrin is that it lowers your seizure threshold, which unless you have epilepsy or something isn’t a big deal, but maybe don’t test the VERY upper limits of your alcohol tolerance or ignore a high fever while you’re on the stuff. xox

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