Dominatrix Mommy Blogger and Women’s Sexual Wellness Consultant
How to Make Mom’s Gluten Free Fried Chicken
One of the things I miss most when going gluten free is fried foods. How, dear lord, is a girl supposed to make it through PMSville without fried foods? We can not live on chocolate alone.
So yesterday, while standing in the door of the fridge, staring in and wondering what to cook for dinner, I spotted a tub of cheese that was nearing the end of it’s usability. You know what’s better then fried chicken? Fried cheese.
So I pulled some chicken breasts out of the freezer to defrost in some warm water in the sink just like every one tells you not to.
I mixed some milk, an egg and and two large spoonfuls of mustard in a large pan.
Then I pulled Monkey off the kitchen counter where he was certain he could cut up an apple for a snack since I was busy. And actually, I didn’t say I was busy. I said NO. I’m fixing dinner.
I let the chicken soak in the egg and mustard mixture while I have a long conversation with Monkey about why we were not going to spend the afternoon watching Curious OMFG NO NOT AGAIN George. I would soon regret that conversation. I took my frustration out on the chicken by poking it repeatedly with a fork. I felt better afterwards and the chicken was much more tender, although one did have a rather large hole in it.
I returned to the kitchen and dumped the cheese on a big plate and added some potato flour and some spices. I think I grabbed paprika, garlic and black pepper. After reprimanding Monkey for taking off with my phone while I’m trying to document this travesty, I mixed the spices together, tried to remember if I added salt yet, decided against adding it again in case I already did, because too salty would suck way more then not enough salt.
I dredged the chicken pieces in the cheese mixture and as I flipped them, I realized the house was very quiet. I let the chicken sit while I went to find Monkey.
I found him in the bathroom where he had just taken a man size poo and was now proceeding to wipe his own butt.
With just over half a roll of toilet paper.
There was just no salvaging this situation, so I decided to put him in the bath which is thankfully just off the kitchen which would allow me to return to cooking.
You would think.
After filling the tub with warm, no not too warm, that’s too cold, can you make it super hot, not that hot! water and fetching the required toys I snuck back to the kitchen.
This is when I realize I only have toasted sesame, truffle and olive oil in the house. None of which are appropriate for frying cheesy chicken in. I do however, have lots of bacon. I did add a little bit of olive oil to the bacon fat to sort of deglaze the pan. See? Totally healthy!
I fried the chicken in the hot fat while nibbling on bacon and ignoring cries for Mawr Toys! from the bathroom. I pick up my phone to check how long the chicken has been in the pan and accidentally check twitter instead. After wondering how long I had been in the twitter black hole, I quickly flipped the chicken hoping it wasn’t too burnt, just in time to chase a wet naked giggling Monkey around the livingroom in an impromptu and nonconsensual game of tag.
I pulled the chicken out of the oil and let sit on paper towels to drain while I wrestled Monkey into pajamas. Once I had Monkey ready for bed, I served the cold chicken with oven roasted vegetables for a healthy meal.
A healthy meal for people delusional that cheese fried in bacon is healthy.
Recipe: Gluten Free Fried Chicken
Time to Cook: Who the fuck knows. I figure it should have taken me about 45 minutes so started an hour and a half before I wanted to serve dinner. Dinner was served just over an hour late. You do the math.
Ingredients: Some chicken breasts, slices in half to make two thin patties each, some cheese, some powdery stuff to replace the wheat flour to help hold the cheese in place, I used potato starch flour, some spices. An egg, some milk and some mustard, also to help hold the cheese in place. Who has time to measure this stuff? Some oil to fry it in. A babysitter. A glass or three of wine to taste.