The Energie

The Energie

(Disclaimer. This post is about being stopped by TSA for carrying something that Eden Fantasys sent me to review. If you click through these links and buy one, I will become rich. Very, very rich.)

Excuse me ma’am. Do you have a piece of metal in your suitcase?

Yes.

Can you step back? We are going to need to check your carry-ons.

Gloved hands start searching for the zipper on my bag and I shout “Have Fun!” at the TSA agent. This happens every time I travel with my husband.

Thats right. I’m going to blame this on him. Not on the fact that it’s one of my favorite sex toys and that I only travel with sex toys when I travel with him. Totally his fault.

Can you tell me where it is?

It’s in the side, just inside the zipper.

What is it?

At this point, there is no way to get out of the inevitable. One of us is about to be uncomfortable. It’s not going to be me.

I look the barely 20 something security guy in the eye across the six or so feet separating us and say in a clear voice, “It’s a vaginal exerciser.”

I hear snickering behind me.

A what exerciser?

VAGINAL. I state. Clearly. Firmly. My eyes aren’t dropping from his.

I’m not backing down. I’m not going to be the one embarrassed in this situation.

He pulls the box out of the suitcase. And what do you use it for? He asks across, a few octaves lower this time.

Because this is obviously information that is needed by TSA before I get on my plane with my deadly vaginal exerciser. I could take the plane and all aboard hostage with this one pound weight. And lord knows what I would do them with my muscle bound vagina at that point.

FOR EXERCISING MY VAGINA. I reply. Slightly louder then I need to. I know that this is the only way we are going to end this conversation. With him tucking tail and tucking my toy back in my bag.

Through the entire thing I could hear the guy behind me about the hurt himself trying not to laugh. He and his wife were on my flight. He gave me a high five and said it was like watching a Saturday Night Live skit.

The unspoken questions during all this? Does it work? Hell Yes it does. And it’s fun too. That’s why I take it with me knowing Every Single Time I’m going to have a version of this conversion with TSA. Except, strangely enough, in Portland. They didn’t even bat an eye.

Of all the kegel toys I’ve played with, this is the one that really made a difference. Within a few uses too. It’s not just about using it, it’s about using it to learn the correct motion. I feel like when I do my kegels on my own even without it (like right now as I type this) they are more effective.

Does it make me come harder? Oh yes. And it’s curved in just the right way to hit my g-spot. Perfectly and with love. This means 10 minutes of exercise followed by a mind blowing orgasm. If only I could find a way to exercise the rest of me like this.

And? It has given me the ability to once again do jumping jacks without my water breaking with each jump, as well as the ability to sneeze without changing my panties.

I no longer need a new beaver. Thanks Energie! Until next time TSA!

Author: Mona Darling
Mona Darling spent close to twenty years as an A-list professional dominatrix before becoming a D-list mommy blogger. After spending many years traveling the world being told that she is fabulous, she now spends her days being told she doesn’t drive fast enough by her five-year-old son. She is also a sex positive life coach and enjoys helping people live a full and happy life embracing all their quirks and fetishes. She also helps couples strengthen their relationships by learning about and understand each others quirks and fetishes.

4 Comments

  1. LexyJill
    LexyJillReply
    July 9, 2013 at 8:57 am

    DeadCowGirl oh dear goodness I almost peed my pants laughing so hard. Wish you had that on video!

    • DeadCowGirl
      July 9, 2013 at 9:40 pm

      @LexyJill DeadCowGirl I’m sure it’s on TSA security video. Bet they won’t give me a copy though. :-(

  2. Marauder
    July 15, 2013 at 10:56 am

    This is brilliant!  I once had a situation where my vibrating toothbrush went off during a TSA check.  I thought I couldn’t live with that embarrassment let alone this!  Well done.

  3. EmbraceLife
    EmbraceLifeReply
    August 25, 2013 at 9:01 am

    I’ve read all of your social media bs, your website, etc., and you are such a phony. Your nasty comments about your visiting in-laws and your poorly veiled attempts at trying to make your MIL look to be some kind of lush and racist speak volumes of whom you really are, versus the false media image you are trying to create of yourself here on your website and within social media circles…  You know full well that you are nothing more than some unemployed (for a good reason — gag) pole-dancer who will say and do anything for a buck — UR a pathetic person….

Every time you leave a comment a fairy has an orgasm.