Women Judging Women

All the cool kids won ipads and kindles. I won a weed wacker from Ryobi. Sometimes it pays to be the weird kid.

All the cool kids won ipads and kindles. I won a weed wacker from Ryobi. Sometimes it pays to be the weird kid.

The women judging women thing has to stop. Fuck this idea that because we are women, when we go to conferences we need to behave like prime proper school marms or be shamed and judged – often by other women.

This is TOTALLY not the BlogHer wrap up post I intended to write, but the catty comments and my first shot of espresso in weeks have driven me, enraged, over the edge. If you haven’t seen the comments, count yourself lucky and read on anyway. I will not be linking to the comments nor quoting them but will be pointing a few key differences between male centric conferences and female centric conferences.

I have been to a TON of male centric conventions. You know what happens there? Hookers, strippers, drugs. It’s off the fucking hook. And if there is anyone in marketing or sales involved they PAY FOR IT ALL. I’ve had big companies pay for my lap dances. Lots of lap dances. And lots and lots of drinks and fancy food. Not because I was being woo’d for a job, or even in the same industry. Obviously. Simply because I happen to be with someone they were hanging out with at the show, or on the expo floor, or knew from a previous job. Really. Any connection is fine when it’s party time, as long as you are male of course – women are rarely invited on these excursions unless they have an hourly rate. I was simply tagging along for the free room while my friend worked when I would end up in the midst of StripperDrunkenFoodiePalooza. Then they would ask me, should I be friendly with their wives, to keep it on the down low- she doesn’t like it when I see strippers and hookers and gets so fucked up I can barely walk. Should any pictures be taken and posted on social, the picture takers are shamed and sometimes fired.

Paging Adria Richards.

The next day these men show up on the conference floor with black eyes and barf breath, shove a mint in their mouth, high five each other for their antics the night before and move on with business as usual.

Yup. Business. As. Usual.

The guys go out and bond over these shenanigans. Not all of them. But many of them. And the boys that party with the hookers and the blow on the company dime? Those are the boys that ARE the glass ceiling over women’s heads. Because how can a women go out and keep up with them and bond with them over hookers and blow? I have seen it time and again, and as an outsider, it’s something that’s easy for me to spot.

Now let’s look at a big women centric conference. While there was plenty of swag and cocktails, wine and even champagne on the expo floor, and rumor had it, some rainbow barfing unicorns, I saw no evidence of hookers nor blow. I saw a lot of women coming together and bonding over the things they had in common and learning about their differences.

Then go home and judge the shit out of each other.

Did you see what ##### was wearing?

I can’t believe ##### didn’t go to any panels. I think she’s just here for the swag.

Fucking coupon bloggers.

Fucking sex bloggers.

Fucking mommy bloggers.

I can’t believe she drank so much. Such a drunk.

Why was she in the fashion show? She’s looked like shit.

Slut.

Bitch.

Her business cards are horrible! I think she printed them herself.

Omg, I didn’t even recognize her. She photo shops every picture of herself into oblivion.

That much cleavage is just NOT professional.

That’s totally a boob job. And not even a good one. They are, like, square!

Buttuh face. *snicker*

I can’t believe she would just wear jeans to something like this.

Doesn’t she have an cloths that, you know, fit?

And the ever popular – I now see why she never posts full body pics on her site. She is WAYYY larger in real life.

Then women come home and post pictures and comments to social media. Names and faces intact.

Really ladies? BlogHer is for ALL women. It’s inclusive. That means some women are going to be there for reasons other then the ones you are there for. They dress down. Or up. They many have no money to spend on business cards. Some women are going to misbehave. Do shocking things like go to parties and drink. Because for some women, YES, this is their spring break. They save all year long and this is the one weekend they get away from kids and responsibility. And YES, some women are strictly there to network and do business. And good lord. Boobs? We all have them. We all have a relationship with them, our own as well as others. This should not be the basis on which we judge each other.

Why are we judging each other? Why can’t we high five each other and congratulate each other for our shenanigans?

Men hire other men who they have partied with at these things. Women work with some, but spend so much time judging others that I fear they miss out on opportunities, not to mention the time and energy wasted judging outfits and actions of other women. Wouldn’t contacting with the brands and contacts you made be a better use of your time then posting crap like this on the Internet?

Men don’t need to keep women down. Women are doing a damn fine job of keeping women down without them.

Please pardon any typos. This rant struck when all I had to rant on was an iPhone and I wanted to publish before I thought better of it.

EDITED AFTER THE CAFFEINE WORE OFF TO INCLUDE:

I said I wouldn’t quote the comments. Then I did. Lookie me putting the Crazy in Crazy Rants. My bad. Also, some of these quote were overheard at the conference and some were from on line. Either way, totally inappropriate.

Finally, this is a REALLY small portion of the BlogHer community and usually I’m able to ignore and move on, but this time … apparently I wasn’t.




Author: Mona Darling
Mona Darling spent close to twenty years as an A-list professional dominatrix before becoming a D-list mommy blogger. After spending many years traveling the world being told that she is fabulous, she now spends her days being told she doesn’t drive fast enough by her five-year-old son. She is also a sex positive life coach and enjoys helping people live a full and happy life embracing all their quirks and fetishes. She also helps couples strengthen their relationships by learning about and understand each others quirks and fetishes.

75 Comments

  1. missbritt
    missbrittReply
    July 30, 2013 at 10:50 am

    DeadCowGirl xo

  2. jessicabrookman
    jessicabrookmanReply
    July 30, 2013 at 11:09 am

    DeadCowGirl why I only work with men.

  3. jessicabrookman
    jessicabrookmanReply
    July 30, 2013 at 11:10 am

    DeadCowGirl why I prefer to work with men. And scene.

  4. bumpyjourney
    bumpyjourneyReply
    July 30, 2013 at 11:27 am

    DeadCowGirl wtf. A)that pic is hysterical. B) HAVE FUN. C) fuck me

  5. bumpyjourney
    bumpyjourneyReply
    July 30, 2013 at 11:28 am

    DeadCowGirl ooooooppsss. C) was supposed to be “fuck EM” HAHAHAHAHAHA

  6. persephone_dd
    persephone_ddReply
    July 30, 2013 at 11:31 am

    DeadCowGirl that made me sad!

  7. FurrowedFox
    FurrowedFoxReply
    July 30, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    DeadCowGirl how horrible. Why are women so catty?

  8. nlm84
    nlm84Reply
    July 30, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    DeadCowGirl awesome. Well said my friend.

  9. Denarii
    DenariiReply
    July 30, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    All of this! But I would like to point out that not all women have breasts and some men do. :)

  10. SuzyQuzey
    SuzyQuzeyReply
    July 30, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    BRAVA!I have not personally read anything negative (yet) as I am still readjusting to being home, but it is, unfortunately, all too easy to imagine. Ladies, we have to be better than we were in 8th grade, or what’s the point?

  11. SuzyQuzey
    SuzyQuzeyReply
    July 30, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    “THEGingerSass: A must read for anyone who was at #BlogHer13 this weekend…
    http://t.co/ri7DCd0RBg” Agreed.

  12. MomoFali
    MomoFaliReply
    July 30, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    I love you.

  13. LilaW
    July 30, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    I guess I’ve been in blissful ignorance land ever since and missed this all. Ugh, so much for the high I’ve been riding. Mind you, I may have contributed by slagging Jockey for massively wasting plastic and the DJ for playing the very unfriendly-to-women Blurred Lines and Queen Latifah for contributing not much other than “Wow.” That’s it; I swear. I felt love and acceptance all weekend and wanted to share it. Now I’m back down to earth, I guess. Thanks for ranting.

    • SuzyQuzey
      SuzyQuzeyReply
      July 30, 2013 at 4:37 pm

      Those Jockey breast molds were a bit odd, but I have decided to either make an art project out of them or use them in the kitchen. They’re silicone, after all!

      • LilaW
        July 30, 2013 at 4:39 pm

        SuzyQuzey My friends & I made masks! Also condiment dishes. You HAVE to tell me what you end up doing with them. I’m sure the crafters went nuts – would love to see their ideas.

        • TheNextMartha
          TheNextMarthaReply
          July 30, 2013 at 4:46 pm

          LilaW SuzyQuzey This feels like total blog whoreing but I swear I’m not.  I just wrote a cheeky post today about crafting with those boobs.  (themarthaproject.com)

        • SuzyQuzey
          SuzyQuzeyReply
          July 31, 2013 at 7:45 am

          TheNextMartha LilaW SuzyQuzey Read it; loved it.

        • DeadCowGirl
          August 1, 2013 at 8:46 am

          TheNextMartha LilaW SuzyQuzey Awesome. I am putting together a forum and would love to have a silly/sexy/kinky craft section. Martha? I think that’s calling your name.

  14. MelisaWells
    MelisaWellsReply
    July 30, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    Love it. Thanks for writing it!

  15. tabulous
    July 30, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    I am now full tilt in love with you.

  16. DeadCowGirl
    DeadCowGirlReply
    July 30, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    tabulous I owe you an email. Sorry. Brain exploded this morning and I’m behind. I’ll get to you tomorrow. Excited about our future. :-)

    • tabulous
      tabulousReply
      July 30, 2013 at 3:51 pm

      DeadCowGirl forgiven because obviously. :)

  17. Justanothermom
    JustanothermomReply
    July 30, 2013 at 3:51 pm

    Hmmm. Haven’t heard a word… Not about conference stuff, anyway. Maybe I have but I let it go? Shoot, just remembered something now! But it was a small moment that was bound to happen with 5000 people, regardless of their genders.

    • DeadCowGirl
      August 1, 2013 at 8:44 am

      Justanothermom It is totally ok to be able to miss that stuff. I usually do. But it was aimed at friends this time. :-(

  18. TheNextMartha
    TheNextMarthaReply
    July 30, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    OH HOLY FUCK YES.  This.  All of this.  And that burrito over there.

  19. jlevine
    jlevineReply
    July 30, 2013 at 5:50 pm

    I was going to go introduce myself to you there, but I was too afraid … you are too much celebrity for me.  :)  But I agree … I don’t understand why people put on the pretense of civility and then cut each other down.  Why does the learning stop when we leave the conference rooms?  I’m lucky that my blogging community doesn’t do that … though we have our own challenges of inclusivity/exclusivity.  I don’t hold hands and sing KumBaYa, but I do think that if we’re going to coexist in the blogosphere, we need to respect each other as writers and as women leaders, despite our differences.

    • DeadCowGirl
      July 31, 2013 at 3:51 pm

      jlevine You totally should have introduced yourself to me! I’m truly no celebrity. I’m really just a dork. Yes! More respect. Possibly less KumBaYa and… maybe more cocktails and boob grabbing unjudged for those that want it, and less for those that don’t.

  20. Mel
    July 30, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    There is definitely definitely definitely a different set of judgments placed on women going to a women-centric conference, though I missed this cattiness online or in person while at the event.

    • DeadCowGirl
      August 1, 2013 at 8:43 am

      @Mel Good! Keep up the good work! Avoidance of drama is a brilliant skill.

  21. QueerieBradshaw
    QueerieBradshawReply
    July 30, 2013 at 9:51 pm

    This is why you are my better half.

    • mrlady
      July 31, 2013 at 7:37 am

      QueerieBradshaw I’ll be both of your better 1/8ths.

  22. Jenna Hatfield
    July 31, 2013 at 5:41 am

    Thank you. 
    I didn’t personally hear these comments this year (or have time to breathe to look on the Interwebz for any as I was working the whole time), but I… sadly… figured they happened. An old friend attended a few years ago and made some of those comments — about some women who happen to be my friends. Unnecessary EVER but especially at an inclusive conference FOR WOMEN BY WOMEN. OMG.

  23. uppoppedafox
    uppoppedafoxReply
    July 31, 2013 at 7:51 am

    mrlady DeadCowGirl Don’t know if something specific sparked this but it makes me really sad. Should be mad but just sad.

    • DeadCowGirl
      DeadCowGirlReply
      July 31, 2013 at 8:21 am

      uppoppedafox mrlady I know. I can usually ignore, but this year it was directed at friends.

      • tabulous
        tabulousReply
        July 31, 2013 at 8:22 am

        DeadCowGirl uppoppedafox mrlady i guess i’m just glad i haven’t directly heard any of this nonsense. i don’t doubt it’s there.

        • QueerieBradshaw
          QueerieBradshawReply
          July 31, 2013 at 8:23 am

          tabulous DeadCowGirl uppoppedafox mrlady I must admit, I was the one who said “fucking sex bloggers.” They’re just so uppity.

        • tabulous
          tabulousReply
          July 31, 2013 at 8:25 am

          QueerieBradshaw DeadCowGirl uppoppedafox mrlady I KNOW, RIGHT? damn those ladies who speak up for silly things like equal rights.

        • DeadCowGirl
          DeadCowGirlReply
          July 31, 2013 at 8:27 am

          tabulous QueerieBradshaw uppoppedafox mrlady They were just LITTLE comments. It’s totally fine. We are all taking this to seriously.

        • DeadCowGirl
          DeadCowGirlReply
          July 31, 2013 at 8:27 am

          tabulous QueerieBradshaw uppoppedafox mrlady I guess we must all be on the rag.

        • uppoppedafox
          uppoppedafoxReply
          July 31, 2013 at 8:31 am

          DeadCowGirl tabulous QueerieBradshaw mrlady I am.

        • Juliaroberts1
          Juliaroberts1Reply
          July 31, 2013 at 8:32 am

          @QueerieBradshaw LOL

        • tabulous
          tabulousReply
          July 31, 2013 at 8:32 am

          DeadCowGirl QueerieBradshaw uppoppedafox mrlady you know how we all sync up together like apple products when we’re in the same room.

        • DeadCowGirl
          DeadCowGirlReply
          July 31, 2013 at 8:40 am

          tabulous QueerieBradshaw uppoppedafox mrlady DYING!

        • mrlady
          mrladyReply
          July 31, 2013 at 9:10 am

          DeadCowGirl tabulous QueerieBradshaw uppoppedafox I miss being on the rag #noidont

  24. mrlady
    July 31, 2013 at 7:53 am

    But really, people should go to the panels. #selfishplug :)

    • DeadCowGirl
      August 1, 2013 at 8:38 am

      mrlady ESPECIALLY MINE!  I really wanted to go to all of the writing labs. Only made it to mine though. But. You know. If you are only going to make it to one, the one you are leading is probably a good one.

  25. KateGramlichSEO
    KateGramlichSEOReply
    July 31, 2013 at 8:13 am

    DeadCowGirl hey hey hey, your Tweet button on the post itself is down (at least for me – taken to an error page)

    • DeadCowGirl
      DeadCowGirlReply
      July 31, 2013 at 8:19 am

      KateGramlichSEO Thanks for letting me know!

  26. Tanismiller
    July 31, 2013 at 8:19 am

    This should be mandatory reading for any woman (or man) who is attending a conference. WELL SAID.

    • DeadCowGirl
      July 31, 2013 at 9:27 pm

      Tanismiller OMFG REDNECK MOMMY COMMENTED ON MY BLOG! Heh. And thank you. I hope it actually makes a difference. It probably won’t, but I can  hope.

      • thatwoman
        thatwomanReply
        August 1, 2013 at 9:35 am

        DeadCowGirl Tanismiller Now I am jealous. Tanis neverrrrrrrrrrrr comments on my blog. ;-) That must mean you are an A-Lister and I can’t be friends with an A-Lister because of cliques. Oh wait. We are all A-listers…except the people who speak in a way that we wouldn’t want to hear come from the mouths of even children.

  27. thatwoman
    thatwomanReply
    July 31, 2013 at 8:23 am

    I just wore jeans. I am comfortable in them. I wore a shirt that didn’t fit…because I ordered it from Zazzle and I swear their fit isn’t the same as it was last time I ordered the SAME SHIRT. I still wanted to wear it though. So, yeah, it was too small and rode up at times, but whatev.

    I avoid the judginess though. Or don’t hear it. Or something. I only got into a small correction when a very drunk gentleman suggested there were only 25 dykes at the conference. Yeah. I am way past the whole BlogHer is heteronormative, white, mommies, and swag hags.

    • SuzyQuzey
      SuzyQuzeyReply
      July 31, 2013 at 9:04 am

      thatwoman I think I had the unfortunate opportunity of meeting that drunk guy.  He offered to let my friend (a guy) give him a blow job. What an ass.

      • DeadCowGirl
        August 1, 2013 at 8:36 am

        SuzyQuzey thatwoman So glad I missed that guy. Or, maybe not. Taking down narrow minded drunk boys can be fun sport.

    • DeadCowGirl
      August 1, 2013 at 8:35 am

      thatwoman I generally avoid the judginess like a champ. But this year some was aimed at friends. And btw, I think I’m wearing exactly that same outfit right now. Favorite jeans and tshirt can NOT be over appreciated.
      Why did he think there were only 25 dykes? Narrow view?

      • thatwoman
        thatwomanReply
        August 1, 2013 at 9:33 am

        DeadCowGirl I think because he was a gay boy and can’t spot dykes? He expected them to look somehow different–like a photo from SF Pride? I don’t know. I waited until he was hungover to take him down. I just rolled my eyes and winked at the woman he was speaking to at the time. 
        I used to get torn up about what to wear at BlogHer. Then I realized I wasn’t there to turn heads but to turn my head to listen to others. Back to the jeans and t-shirts no matter where I was headed.

  28. Juliaroberts1
    Juliaroberts1Reply
    July 31, 2013 at 8:33 am

    Yes. Yes.

  29. DresdenPlaid
    DresdenPlaidReply
    July 31, 2013 at 10:01 am

    Thank you. Seriously. thank you.
    Oh – and to respond to the comments made about me during and after the conference (NOT HERE) No. I am not pregnant. I have actually just lost a good bit of weight after being beyond the beyond of depression for an entire year, you know, after I had two miscarriages in 2012. So thanks for judging, ladies. You did good.

    • Jenna Hatfield
      July 31, 2013 at 3:52 pm

      DresdenPlaid Girl, I thought you looked fab.

    • DeadCowGirl
      July 31, 2013 at 3:55 pm

      DresdenPlaid I really hope any of them can appreciate how below the belt that comment was. Seriously. I thought you looked amazing.

  30. stacyjill
    stacyjillReply
    July 31, 2013 at 11:09 am

    As I have said over and over the past couple of days, I am so happy to claim you as a friend. :) You are amazing and I absolutely love how this negativity has spurred such amazing discussion amongst our community. Mwah!

    • DeadCowGirl
      July 31, 2013 at 3:53 pm

      stacyjill I know! I do love all this conversation! And I love that it’s brought us closer. HUGE hugs! MWAH!

  31. toywithme
    toywithmeReply
    July 31, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    Bang on my friend!! This is the shit that gets up my skirt about conferences. Can’t we all just get along? I blame it all on those “fucking sex bloggers”

    • DeadCowGirl
      July 31, 2013 at 3:53 pm

      toywithme I know. Fucking sex bloggers.

  32. schadenfreudett
    schadenfreudettReply
    July 31, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    Well shit.  No one told me you were a crazy, man-bashing celebrity before I met you. I thought you were just awesome, beautiful, hilarious and kind.  I wish I’d hung out with you more.  I love the discourse you’ve started.  I love that mrlady wore your panties. I touched her Diva Cup once, so I think that officially means you and I are sisters.

    • DeadCowGirl
      August 1, 2013 at 9:10 pm

      schadenfreudett mrlady Bwahahaha! Yes. I think that does make us sisters! Also – just batshit crazy. Not all the other stuff. Oh. Except yeah. A man hater. Having 4 adorable boys and 4 adorable grandsons makes it sort of hard, but I try to push through. We will have to hang out next year! I’ll try not to bring Aunt Flo or The Flu next time. I’ll be even more fun. :-)

  33. August 1, 2013 at 10:24 am

    [...] thought I would write a proper BlogHer13 recap to make sure that people know that the  other BlogHer13 post was in no way representative of the women there. Just a few. And those few are generally easy to [...]

  34. ValCurtis
    August 1, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    I try to stop trash talking as it’s happening. It just screams insecurity and no one wants to be a part of it. That being said, I know that I am not Lil Miss Sunshine 24/7. I’m human.
    On another note, I am thrilled that you pulled a chair up next to me and that we had a chance to get to know one another a bit. I’m excited for a good read this week. Mwah!

    • DeadCowGirl
      August 1, 2013 at 9:18 pm

      ValCurtis I’m totally not Lil Miss Sunshine 2-4 hours a day. But gah. Yeah. It screams insecurity.
      I’m so glad I decided to stay! I was going to leave because it seemed a little too touchy feely, but curiosity got the best of me. Like it always does. Let me know what you think of the book! :-)

  35. laughingabi
    laughingabiReply
    August 1, 2013 at 4:18 pm

    Oh Mona. I think I love you more now than I did five days ago when you were teaching your “how-to” session at the table next to mine. FYI, the notes I wrote on your business card: “sex lady from the bus”. Can’t wait to start stalking you my love.

    • DeadCowGirl
      August 1, 2013 at 9:22 pm

      laughingabi Ha! Sexy bus lady. Stalk away! I hope you enjoy my space! How was your lab?

  36. August 3, 2013 at 8:19 pm

    [...] list of 10 BlogHer experiences, specifically focusing on Mona Darling’s post at Dead Cow Girl. It talks a lot about the petty high school women judging women that happened at this year’s [...]

  37. bethythewriter
    bethythewriterReply
    August 22, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    Sounds like a crazy weekend! I can’t help but agree with you. Even at non-blogger events, it seems like women are the ones who are criticizing how other women dress, how other women talk, how they speak, what lifestyle they choose, etc. I swear, I get far more crap from other women for choosing to do the stay-at-home-mom thing than I EVER get from guys!

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