A few years ago the hot spanking debate at the playground was do you, or don’t you, spank your kids. Now, with Fifty Shades of Grey, the discussion has moved to spanking in the bedroom. I for one, am very happy about this shift.

In the bedroom, or where ever you play this out, sometimes a quick smack on the ass is fun. Sometimes it’s a shock and a turn on. Other times though, it’s just too much, too fast, a violation. A spanking is a very sensuous erotic activity – done properly. If, after reading Fifty Shades of Grey, you found yourself intrigued by the idea of erotic spanking, follow these steps to give an amazing sensual and *consensual* spanking that would impress even Christian Grey.

Get consent! Talk about what you like, and don’t about spankings. Ask them what they enjoy, ask then abut their limits.  Ask them how they want to feel emotionally? Sensual? Naughty? Scared? Slutty? This kind of negotiation can feel awkward at first, but will help you connect when you are playing. Once you are a little more experienced with negotiation, which is a huge part of consent, it will start to feel more like foreplay.

Establish a safe word. You can use traditional one, RED to stop the play, and YELLOW to slow it, or use something a little more unique, like marmalade. Just make sure it’s easy to remember! Having a safe word means knowing the difference when your partner says “No! Don’t! Stop!” and “No! Don’t stop!”

Remove all rings and bracelets. Even small rings can leave unwanted marks or even small cuts in their bottom if things get intense. They can also pinch your fingers as you are spanking and no one wants that!

Lay your intended across your lap with your dominant hand over their ass, and your non-dominant hand stroking their head, or playing with their mouth. This is a fun time to incorporate a little role-play. “You know I love you. I don’t want to hurt you. But I need to teach you a lesson. This is for your own good.” or “I told you I was going to punish you if I caught you watching The Kardashians again, you naughty trash TV slut!”

Start slow. Lots of touching and caressing. Light smacks. Vary the rhythm. Use different strokes as well – bringing your hand down and bouncing off the ass, or bringing it down firmly and squeezing the ass at the end of the stroke. Grab one buttock in each hand and spread their cheeks. Being exposed like that can be highly erotic for some people, but a little too invasive for others. Experiment and find out what turns your partner on. Try using just your fingers, then the palm of your hand. Don’t rush the warm up. The longer you spend on warm up, the harder you will be able to spank without leaving marks or reaching your spankee’s limit.

Build intensity, then back off, caress and massage the buttocks.  Even when you are working on warming up their ass, build up the intensity, then slow it. Take time to explore their body with your hands. Run them over the ass, but also up and down the thighs, and up the back. Experiment with hair pulling (always from the roots! Not the ends!) while spanking.

As the spanking continues, your intended’s bottom will get very sensitive. Play with sensations; your nails, an ice cube, warm massage oil. I love to use those scrubby gloves for exfoliation in the shower alternated with a piece of fur.

Explore your partners body. Find those sensitive spots that you do’t often have access to – like where the ass cheeks meet the top of the thigh. Don’t be shy about touching their body! After all, you just gave them an amazing spanking. They are probably going to be ok, and even quite happy, if you start exploring their more private bits, which, after all, are right there in easy reach, exposed in a way you don’t often get to see them.

If both partners are open to it, incorporating toys, like a small butt plug, or a vibrator can produce amazing results.

While there are many ways to spank your partner, I prefer to start with a nice old fashioned over the knee spanking. It’s intimate, and offers a lot of physical connection. Should this prove a success, you might try leaning your partner over something, or bring in some paddles for more intensity and variation of sensation. Once you get the basics down, there is no limit to were your curious imaginations can take you!

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